Bio:  Carmen Adair lives in Washington State. Recent publications include Opium, Flashquake, Hobart, Somewhat, and Cautionary Tale.

"The Explanation" was originally published in insolent rudder.

The Explanation

by Carmen Adair

I wish you could understand what I’m saying. Raising a family isn’t easy. Jenny is a good woman, there’s no doubt about that. She never misses a Sunday church service, and she’s so great with the children. You should’ve seen her at the market this morning. Mrs. Johnson brought in her new baby girl, and Jenny cooed and fussed over her for nearly half an hour. I know she wants one. You only have to look at her to know that she was born to be a mother. 

I wanted a baby, too. I really did. But in this world, want and need are just two different things. Now, don’t you go thinking me unfeeling. We already have two growing kids, and we’ve gotta take care of them first. Plus, it’s such a struggle with little Helen. The doctors keep making promises and trying new things, but those tests cost so much. I know we said it didn’t matter, and I thought we could squeeze by, but that was before Mr. Tanner came to dinner tonight. 

Mr. Tanner and my father go way back. They were in the war together, but things have gotten so bad around here. He couldn’t look me in the eye, but I could hear the pain in his voice. 

“I’m sorry, Bobby. I kept you on as long as I could, longer than any of the other supervisors.” 

Things have been bad around here since the freeze, but some of the farms are still producing. He’s gotta cut costs to keep his head above water. Mr. Tanner’s got a family of his own to feed, and I can’t fault him for that. We’re all just doing the best we can. 

I know there’s work in the city, especially for someone with experience. That automobile plant is going strong, and cars or crops, a foreman is a foreman, right? And this way we’ll be closer to the hospital when Helen gets one of her attacks. The last one was real bad. 

Goodness, look at the time. The sun will be coming up soon. There’s still a lot to do, and the train’s not gonna wait for us. How could we do this with a baby? The move is going to be hard enough with Helen, and Julie’s only three. 

©Carmen Adair